Living Life, Disabled and Depressed

Living a fulfilling life with one or the other of these problems is extremely difficult. Living a life at all with both is nearly impossible, or at least for me it is. I am always happy to hear of, or meet, someone who is able to work past these or other issues and life a happy and full life. I have been unable to do it. This is probably going to sound like another poor me post, and I guess in a way it is but I really need a forum to say these things relatively anonymously. I thank you for listening (or reading, whatever is appropriate).

I think maybe a place to start is me, or rather what I think of me. In over 40 years, so far the only thing I like about me is my tattoos. I have a purple rose with a dagger on my chest above my heart as a reminder of my first suicide attempt, to never let myself go there again. I have also a red and pink rose with a blue butterfly resting on the stem on my left calf, this one is for my kids. No matter what they are my kids.

The last one is quite large, it takes up most of my left thigh. It is a Celtic cross with 3 blue roses towards the top, and the grim reaper with his sickle across the bottom. This one has several parts, the roses are for my kids, the Celtic cross is a nod to the Irish part of my heritage (German Irish, English, and Swede) and the grim reaper is for hope. I know that sounds backwards, but to me it makes perfect sense. Everyone dies. No one is immune to Grim. I can only hope he comes for me soon. Now I know how that sounds, and let me reassure you I have no plans to rush Grim along my way, I just hope it is my turn soon.

Now,enough rambling about the good part of me. My true self view…I am SUW UWOO. Translated to Stupid Ugly Worthless Unwanted Waste of Oxygen. In my entire life there have been 3 people who I felt truly wanted me around, Dad, Husband, and Best friend. Turns out I was wrong about Dad. When I got sick, and was at my worst he, along with Mom, both brothers, brother-in-law, grandmother etc, etc told my husband to “just divorce her ass, put her in a nursing home, and forget about her.” Husband refused and along with best friend have been fantastic at taking care of me, and getting me to doctor’s appointments, the pharmacy, and PT (when I had to go).

I have no self-esteem, self-confidence, or self-worth of any kind. I never have. I have lived with this attitude for as long as my memory goes back. I have never known different. The sad part is that I thought this was normal until my first suicide attempt in my early 20’s. I learned in the aftermath of that it’s not normal. My way of coping with the depression is probably not the healthiest, but has kept me alive this long so I’ll stick with it. OCD tempers some of it, some I release with music. I am a huge fan of Death Metal. Amon Amarth, Metallica, Slayer, Hatebreed, (you get the idea) are some of my favorite bands. Some I have just learned to deal with.

Now throw several chronic diseases on top of that. I have Fibromyalgia, Periphal Artery Disease, Emphysema, Osteoporosis, and a funky arthritis called Ankylosing Spondylitis. *say that 5 times fast Simply getting out of bed every day is physical challenge. It sure doesn’t make the emotional problems any easier.

Anyway, this is turning into a much longer post than I intended, and my nearly useless right hand is getting very sore from typing this up. So there is a snapshot of my mental state. Once again, Huge Thank You‘s to all of you for letting me get some of it out. Even if nobody is reading this, it helps to have it out there.