A Little Angry

My first husband’s mother (Barb) and I have always had a somewhat contentious relationship. I was 17, in high school, and she would hound me about getting pregnant because she wanted grandkids. Then when she got her wish, it didn’t seem to matter what I (or their doctor) had to say about it, she know what was best. Just as an example, my son was only 2 or 3 weeks old, and she was feeding him kool-aid!

Anyway, I know I have posted about how my Dad and my oldest child passed away this summer, two weeks apart. I have been devastated for sure.

Well, Barb took a tiny amount of Shane’s ashes and had paperweights made for his father and I.

Image may contain: food

It is beautiful and I am very touched, and happy to have a piece of Shane nearby all day. I am also pretty angry! We scattered his ashes in the forest! We left him where he could be free, where he could fly on the breeze, and enjoy the grass! He was where the arthritis (all 3 kinds) wouldn’t bother him anymore! He was in a place that didn’t hurt, a place that didn’t hold him down, a place of uninhibited fun! What right did that woman have to trap him in a pretty glass ball!?

I am at the pissed off stage of grief I think. I am angry that I can’t call my Dad for advice. I am angry that my brothers and I have to clean out his house, and decide what to do with it. Do we sell it? do we keep it? do we rent it out? let his girlfriend keep living there and do nothing?

I am angry that I have 2 kids and a paperweight! I should have 3 kids! I am angry that my youngest feels like he needs to name his unborn second son after his brother! I am angry that I can’t be happier about another grandchild because this will be the first birth after my Dad passed. This will be the first great-grandchild he will never get to meet. This will be the first nephew Shane will never meet.¬† Shane Robert is my son, Robert Louis is my Dad, Oliver Robert is the name they picked for new baby due at the end of May.

I am absolutely heartbroken, pissed off, overwhelmed, so many conflicting emotions! What am I supposed to do with all this? I am sorry to vent on y’all like this, but it has to go somewhere and my husband is grieving just as much as I am. We could easily end up in a big fight for no real reason and I don’t want that.

I hope your day is a good one, and remember to tell your loved ones how much they matter. They can disappear all to quickly!

Shelli

 

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