A Little Angry

My first husband’s mother (Barb) and I have always had a somewhat contentious relationship. I was 17, in high school, and she would hound me about getting pregnant because she wanted grandkids. Then when she got her wish, it didn’t seem to matter what I (or their doctor) had to say about it, she know what was best. Just as an example, my son was only 2 or 3 weeks old, and she was feeding him kool-aid!

Anyway, I know I have posted about how my Dad and my oldest child passed away this summer, two weeks apart. I have been devastated for sure.

Well, Barb took a tiny amount of Shane’s ashes and had paperweights made for his father and I.

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It is beautiful and I am very touched, and happy to have a piece of Shane nearby all day. I am also pretty angry! We scattered his ashes in the forest! We left him where he could be free, where he could fly on the breeze, and enjoy the grass! He was where the arthritis (all 3 kinds) wouldn’t bother him anymore! He was in a place that didn’t hurt, a place that didn’t hold him down, a place of uninhibited fun! What right did that woman have to trap him in a pretty glass ball!?

I am at the pissed off stage of grief I think. I am angry that I can’t call my Dad for advice. I am angry that my brothers and I have to clean out his house, and decide what to do with it. Do we sell it? do we keep it? do we rent it out? let his girlfriend keep living there and do nothing?

I am angry that I have 2 kids and a paperweight! I should have 3 kids! I am angry that my youngest feels like he needs to name his unborn second son after his brother! I am angry that I can’t be happier about another grandchild because this will be the first birth after my Dad passed. This will be the first great-grandchild he will never get to meet. This will be the first nephew Shane will never meet.  Shane Robert is my son, Robert Louis is my Dad, Oliver Robert is the name they picked for new baby due at the end of May.

I am absolutely heartbroken, pissed off, overwhelmed, so many conflicting emotions! What am I supposed to do with all this? I am sorry to vent on y’all like this, but it has to go somewhere and my husband is grieving just as much as I am. We could easily end up in a big fight for no real reason and I don’t want that.

I hope your day is a good one, and remember to tell your loved ones how much they matter. They can disappear all to quickly!

Shelli

 

Today…

I am having a bit of a rough time. My Dad and my son’s birthdays are coming up in about 2 weeks. Dad’s is September 29, and Shane’s is just a few days later on October 3.

I should be shopping for gifts and cards. I should be worrying about getting everything shipped in time.  Instead I sit here in my living room wondering how I am going to talk myself out of bed tomorrow. Today, I needed a bathroom, otherwise I am not sure I would have left the bed at all. I am having a really hard time motivating myself lately. I am about 2/3 done with a cross stitch quilt for my grandson, the last one to finish and all 4 grandbabies will have one under the Christmas tree. I have a bunch of food to get canned and frozen for winter from my garden, my floors need mopped, the dishes need done, and all I can do is sit here wishing I could turn back time a couple of months and spend a day with Shane and my Dad.

I remember the last day I spent with Shane. I was actually in town for my Dad’s funeral and preparing his estate. My husband and I spent the day, about a week before he died with Shane and his kids at the city park. His brother Vince came down for a while and played with us too. Shane’s kids were all over the place, and really liked having their Dad push them on the swings, or catch them at the slide. I could see Shane was in quite a bit of pain from his arthritis, but every time one of his kids asked him to come play with them, he was there. He could barely walk from the pain in his feet, but still took both kids to the potty on the other side of the park several times. Shane’s hands were all crippled up, but he still helped push his daughter’s baby doll in the swing next to her while still pushing her and her brother.  We stayed at the park playing for so long, even the little ones were asking to leave.

Later that day, Shane, both his kids, my daughter Kiersten, her son, and my son Vince along with his son, my son-in-law Derrick, and my daughter-in-law Kendra all went with my husband and I to a local pizza buffet restaurant for dinner.  We were a bit loud, and rowdy. We probably irritated every other customer in the restaurant, but we had a good time.

Living so far away, I relied on phone calls with my Dad. I have tried to call my Dad several times since he passed. Dad always answered the phone. Even when I just had a simple question, we ended up bullshitting for a couple of hours every time I called. I would call to ask how long to water bath can a jar of jelly, and we would end up still talking 3 hours later. I miss those marathon conversations with him. I always knew no matter what, he was there.

I want them back. Maybe that is a bit selfish, I don’t know. Both Dad and Shane had some health problems, and spent quite a bit of time in pain. I just want them back. I want my grandkids to grow up with their Daddy. I want them to know their Great Grandpa. I wasn’t ready for them to be gone. Not yet, they were too young to die. There is more for them to do! I just want to wake up tomorrow and have it all been a bad dream!

Keeping Busy

So, tomorrow is exactly two months since my son passed away (July 3), and two and half months since I lost my Dad (June 16).

I am doing the best I can but some days are better than others. Keeping busy is helping a bit. I am cross stitching crib size quilts for my grandkids, talking to two different contractors, cleaning the house, working in my garden, and basically anything else my body will let me do in an effort to keep my mind occupied.

I am  thinking about a new tattoo to honor my Dad and Son. Dad was never without his cowboy hat, and Shane was a HUGE fan of Ozzy Osbourne, so I was thinking of a tattoo of Ozzy’s name with a cowboy hat hanging off the Y at the end. Maybe a red rose and a violet laying underneath. Red rose for Shane, and a violet for Dad.  I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to think about, let alone try to make a decision. I don’t want to admit or accept they are gone

We are remodeling the bathroom, and getting new siding and trim for the house.  I can post pictures later if y’all want. I just realized I chose a grey and white theme for both projects, LOL. The bathroom will be mostly white with a bit of grey, and the siding will be Dover Grey with white trim.

I am also working on an Eric/Sookie fan fiction. I am mostly through the outline/notes and am at 20 pages right now. I may end up asking for help with this one. It is certainly bigger than anything I have tackled before. I currently only have a single one shot published and I won’t publish a new story until it is complete and I am mostly happy with it, so it may be a while.

As always, take care of yourself, and if you have any questions, or want to talk about something feel free to ask.

Shelli

 

The year in review

Let me recap this year…

January and February went well. Then all hell broke loose!

March….Surgery to remove my thyroid and 2 lumps we thought were benign.

April…Thyroid Cancer diagnosis, 2 spots on thyroid and in lymph nodes.

May…My husband has a heart attack.

June…My dad has a series of strokes and pneumonia and passes away. Instead of being at an Iron Maiden concert, I am at my Dad’s funeral.

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July…My oldest son (he was 27) passes away in a car accident. He left behind two beautiful little ones!

Here we are in August, and instead of being at the Ozzy Osbourne concert with my son, I am sitting here at home trying to get past the grief.

The only silver lining I have found is that so far, it looks like my cancer treatment has worked. My 3 month checkup went well, and I have a full body scan at the end of November for a 6 month check and we expect it to go well. Also my hubby’s heart attack was pretty mild, and he was able to travel with me for both funerals.

I sure hope this year is finished with me, because I really can’t take much more without breaking. My feelers are stretched to the limit right now. I think Karma owes me one or two right now.

NO MORE!

Two weeks ago, my world fell apart when my Dad passed away.

Today, the 4th of July, a day of celebration for my country, I lost my son. He did not survive a car accident early this morning.

How much more am I supposed to take?

Well, The year from…

Hell continues.

The last couple of months have really sucked! I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, shortly after that my husband had a heart attack, and two days before Father’s Day here in the States, my Dad died.

I was fortunate with the cancer I developed. We found it REALLY early, and it is one of the easiest to treat. Let me explain.

My doctor decided to remove my thyroid because I am one of the special people who tested positive for both Graves’ Disease (hyperthyroidism) AND Hashimoto’s Disease (hypothyroidism). I didn’t think it was even possible to have both. Both are auto immune diseases, and were causing havoc in my body. To top it off, I had 2 lumps the biopsy showed as benign. After the surgery to completely remove my thyroid, the pathology found the cancer.

My doctor said, “If you have to have cancer, you have the good one.” I had 2 weeks of a low iodine diet (that part stunk!) followed by a radioactive iodine treatment. That was it. It happens to be super easy to cure. From here on out, we simply need to monitor me just in case it pops back up somewhere else since it had migrated into my lymph nodes.

About 3 weeks after my surgery, my husband stressed himself into a heart attack. He ended up off work for about 6 weeks, and is still fighting with the insurance company to get approved for the short-term disability.

So he finally gets back to work, and is there long enough to get ONE paycheck. It was looking like things may just start going back to normal and we would get caught up on the bills when my older brother calls to tell me Dad had died.

Which prompted an emergency road trip. He lived 1000 miles away from me. I live in New Mexico, USA. He lived in South Dakota.  (It’s really hard to refer to him in past tense.) While we were in SD, my younger brother caused a few problems for me and my older brother regarding the will, BEFORE we even had his funeral! We did get that worked out eventually, but GEEZ! What an ASS!

We just got home from that trip yesterday, and I am sitting here at home trying to process the fact that the foundation for everything positive I have ever had, is gone. Dad was the rock for me. My mom is still around, but she is not my favorite person.

Mom actively abused my older brother until he turned 12, when she dumped him off at Dad’s house with his clothes. In the middle of winter. Without even sticking around to see if he could get in the house. She seemed to truly hate Wes.

Me, she just ignored. Ken, my younger brother abused me. In every way possible. He even gave me sexually to his friends, because they were in High School and STILL virgins. When I tried to tell Mom about it, she called me a liar, and told me not to leave my bedroom until I was 40. Her response was along the lines of “How dare I accuse my brother of something soo heinous! He would never do that! What is wrong with you (me)?”

Dad did everything he could for me and Wes. He didn’t know just how bad it was for me at Mom’s. Like most abuse victims, I hid it. For a long time, I thought I deserved to be a walking, talking punching bag. Dad never let Ken get away with anything at his house though. He always, if unknowingly, protected me from Ken. I was safe there.

Dad didn’t always like my choices after I got away from Mom’s house, but he always supported me and my right to make them. I don’t know what I am going to do with out him. Who will give me advise? Or tell me how to cook a new recipe? Or teach me basic car repairs? Or help my friends who have lost their own Dads?

I’m not ready for him to be gone! Not yet!

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I Love You, Dad!

Shelli

YAAAY!!!!

I have been absent for a bit, I know but I wanted to share my good news!

I AM CANCER FREE! I just got word a few minutes ago!

I think this must have been the easiest and quickest cancer battle ever, but still pretty excited to hear I beat it!  It only took one radioactive iodine treatment and two weeks of isolation to beat the thyroid cancer. I even tolerated the treatment very well. I was a little nauseous the first couple hours but that’s it.

This last month…

has been seriously…ummmm….interesting, I guess is a good word for it.   Busy certainly fits, painful, exciting, fun, loud….I could continue, but instead will just let you know what all happened.

First, I am back in both Physical and Occupational Therapy.  I used to have a splint for my right hand for overnight, and a brace called an Ankle Foot Orthotic (AFO) for my right foot.  Both of them died recently, which is one reason my doctors put me back in PT and OT. The other reason is that physically, I was backsliding. Things I could do before were getting harder or became impossible.

The first thing my therapists did was to order a new splint and AFO for me. I should have them in a couple days thank goodness! Without the splint my right hand will ball up into a fist and refuse to move at all. Using the splint overnight, I have some days where I have almost normal use of my right hand. Which is super handy considering I am right handed, lol.

So, now I have my twice a week torture sessions again, and in the middle of all that it was time for my annual vacation. I’m pretty sure I have mentioned it somewhere, but just in case, my hometown is Sturgis, SD. Home of the world’s Largest Motorcycle Rally. All of my family still lives there (including my in-laws) so every year we head that way for Rally and to visit everyone. I hate that I only see my grandkids once a year, but being so far away there is not much I can do about that. 😦

In a bit of a coincidence, my OT was going to Rally as well this year which worked out perfectly for me! See my husband’s birthday is rally week and I always let him pick a band (tons of concerts to be found that week!) and I make all the arrangements including tickets and a designated driver for us as his birthday present. My OT was our DD this year to Five Finger Death Punch! He even managed to get us front row with my wheelchair!  It was an amazing show! Since my eyesight and mobility is so rough I appreciated being so close to the stage, and everyone around us (most of them complete strangers) made sure to keep an eye on me so I wasn’t jostled to much.  One gentleman directly behind us parked his bike sideways behind my wheelchair, sent his buddy after a tarp and attached one end to his bike and the other end over my head to the fence when rain threatened! I never did learn his name, but he was a great help with the others in the crowd that maybe didn’t see me.

After we got back from vacation I began the process of some much needed dental work. I had one tooth pulled right before we left because of an abscess, but need more work. It has been determined that I need dentures. Nearly 30 years of being a heavy smoker has really done a number on both my teeth and my jawbone. I have 6 teeth on the bottom that we are going to TRY to save, even if I only get a few more years out of them, it’s better than nothing. So a few days ago I had 5 molars pulled to begin the process. I will end up with a complete upper plate and partial lower plate.

My husband is a saint, and has been trying very hard to take care of me since the teeth came out. turns out I am still a terrible patient. Some things we are just used to me not being able to do, some things we are used to me doing with help. I have been so tired, swollen, and sore in the face that I can barely open my mouth let alone do anything else. He has been trying very hard to make sure there is things I can eat readily available, and that I am getting enough. He is always asking if I need anything, or can he do anything to help? Needless to say, I always have fresh ice water, and an ice pack handy at all times. I still suck at asking for help, even after all these years of being disabled, but I do appreciate everything he does! I can’t say I am looking forward to having more teeth pulled, but  I guess I am looking forward to having it finished lol.

Just as a side note…vomiting a few hours after having teeth pulled is NOT recommended. That shit HURT!

Hope all is well n your world!

Shelli

Still Going

Here we are in July, and I am still a non smoker! Go Me! Feb 17 til July 2, That makes it 4 1/2 months! So far this summer it has been fairly quiet for me (makes it easier to stay not smoking) but I have a couple things ahead.

My husband and I replaced all the windows in our house about 6 weeks ago, and so far I absolutely love the new ones! The windows we had were from about the 60’s or so and were really drafty. They let in a lot of dust and sand so keeping things clean was a constant battle. The new ones are much better! Also, my husband promised me that as soon as the windows are paid off (BOO payments) that we could replace the siding too.  He also helped me plant a bunch of bulb style flowers in the front yard. Lots of Gladiolas, Tulips, Lilies, a few Renunculus, and a Hollyhock bed as well as a couple daisies in a container! It won’t take long and my house will look great!

As far as my doctors go, there is a bit of news but not much. My PCProvider said that all the MRI showed was a cyst in my sinuses. I’ll have to see a specialist for that, but put it off until this fall. The other thing I put off til fall is the referral to either Dallas or Salt Lake City, i.e. the Mayo Clinic. He is stumped about what ever is going on with me and hopes at one of the bigger places they will have better luck diagnosing me. My rheumy still wants me in Occupational Therapy, and with a splint for my right hand. I have an appointment with a local doctor to get that ball rolling next week. My rheumy (and my PCP) can’t just order it because he is across state lines. They are both 2 hours away (3 if you count the time zone change) in Lubbock, Tx I live 20 minutes into New Mexico. That is too far to travel 3 times a week for OT. I need someone local to make the order so I can just find a ride across town instead.

Before that happens though, I have a couple of things I want to get done. I have a 4th grandbaby coming in October and I want to get a couple things made for him/her. My 21st anniversary is in a couple of weeks (July 22) and our annual trip home is coming up in August for the Sturgis Rally and to see family/ friends in the area. I refuse to give up my vacation for a trip to Dallas to see yet another doctor. I only get to see my kids and grandkids once a year, this is it.

Hope your summer is a good one! Stay safe and have fun!

Shelli

 

I’m Proud…

of myself. In the last while (since my last post) I have been a bit busy.

I think in my last post I was talking about going to see a plastic surgeon for a possible breast reduction. Well I talked to him, and the good news is that he is willing to take me from a DDD to a C cup!  The even better news is that I quit smoking!  Doc wouldn’t do the surgery unless I have been nicotine free for AT LEAST 30 days. So I quit, from a pack and a half a day, to cold turkey none at all. That was about 8 weeks ago, so I’m pretty confident about being a non smoker now, YAY!

The bad news is that my insurance company won’t cover it,  so no surgery for me. Plus in the process of becoming a non smoker, M&M’s were my saving grace, and my biggest downfall. I gained 15 pounds. And a cup size. And 2 dress sizes. BOO! So now instead of an US size 12-14 DDD cup, I am affectionately  known among friends as Busty McBoobs-A-Lot, and am an US size 18-20 G cup. I now have to special order bras online, and hope they fit.

I have also had a chest x-ray to see WTH is going on in my lungs. No word yet on that, so I assume all is well. My Doc will call with bad news, and mail a report if all is well. I suspect the COPD is worsening, I smoked pretty heavily for almost 30 years, it is kind of expected. He also ordered me a rescue inhaler, and a daily inhaled medicine. They are helping for sure. Which is good, I sort of like breathing. Most days.

We also have official proof I do actually have a brain! I had an MRI of  my head this morning. We have ruled out any nerve problems as the cause of my right hand clamping up and other problems in my right side so are looking at neurological now (again). Doc said tho, if this shows nothing that I should consider going to the Mayo Clinic or something similar because he is out of ideas.

Peace and Love to All!

Shelli